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hdrazz65

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Reply with quote  #1 
Does anyone have any experience with what I was just kicked in the teeth with?
I just received a phone call from my attorney who at the beginning told me that a paternity test would make no difference being I have been the father figure in my sons life, had no reason to doubt I was my sons father, and that I have bonded 3 years with my son, and that I'm listed as the father on the birth certificate.
The test came back that I am not his biological father,  this is the most devastating thing anyone could have ever told me.
Now my attorney is being negative about the upcoming court hearing for custody, and negative about holding her accountable for her deception all these years.
Just because she lives on state aid she shouldn't be held accountable for falsifying a birth certificate, and all the pain she has caused not only me but my family as well.
My biggest concern is what is this going to do to my son, how can this not effect him in the long run?
The man that turned out to be his biological father is a convicted Meth dealer, who stated he wouldn't even submit to a paternity test he wanted nothing to do with it?
I can't afford to just go get a new lawyer and start over, most importantly I don't want to lose my son and from the sounds of it I will never even see him again by her choice.
She never once led me to believe that I wasn't the father in his whole 3 years of life until I left her and started fighting for custody.
Please any help here would be greatly appreciated.
Also on October 12,2009 at 9:00 am  at the Dubuque County Court House in Dubuque Iowa I have a court hearing for custody I would like to pack the court room with anyone who would be able to show support.
I'm sorry if I seem like I'm rambling here I'm totally numb here I don't want to lose my son!
EZ

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Reply with quote  #2 
I can't begin to imagine the emotions of finding out you are not bio dad - I understand from being "step" mom to my daughter since she was 11 months old ( she is 12 now) she is as one of my own - No different from adopting - emotionally-
I know our heart doesn't understand the difference in bio and non bio - we only love and connect with the children we care for no matter what dna is in their system!
 
I can only let you know - I will put you on my prayer list
hdrazz65

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Reply with quote  #3 

Thank you every kind of support is welcomed I just hope someone has some knowledge of a situation like this that can give me some guidance this came out of left field I really did expect the DNA to come back in my favor

leglegl321

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Reply with quote  #4 
I wish I could give you some some guidance on the path to take, but I don't have any special knowledge or experience in this area.  I do know that you are now facing an uphill battle to establish a "paternity" in the legal sense of the word.  The fact that you wish to maintain and keep such a relationship may be of little concern to the judge.  Which doesn't mean that you give up, but you should do what is right, and fight for what is best for your child.  And that means that to fight for his right to have both parents (meaning you) in his life.  Fight for what is right, but recognize the long odds against you.

What is curious is that there is a legal precedence in ordering a person like you to pay child support even though not the biological parent- for the "best interests" of the child.  Figure that one out....
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One of the issues that is headed to the federal court should the Iowa Supreme Court not declare the rebuttable presumption of the child support guidelines unconstitutional is how the Court can use "best interest of the child" standard when dealing with child support when it's defined as:

Iowa Code 598.1(1) "Best interest of the child" includes, but is not limited to, the opportunity for maximum continuous physical and emotional contact possible with both parents, unless direct physical or significant emotional harm to the child may result from this contact. Refusal by one parent to provide this opportunity without just cause shall be considered harmful to the best interest of the child." 



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"Political reasons have not the requisite certainty to afford juridical interpretation. They are different in different men. They are different in the same men at different times. And when a strict interpretation of the Constitution, according to the fixed rules which govern the interpretation of laws, is abandoned, and the theoretical opinions of individuals are allowed to control its meaning, we have no longer a Constitution; we are under a government of individual men, who for the time being have the power to declare what the Constitution is, according to their own views of that it ought to mean." Dred Scott v.Sanford, 19 How. 393, 620 (1857) (Curtis, J., dissenting).
hdrazz65

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Reply with quote  #6 

Quote:
Originally Posted by leglegl321
I wish I could give you some some guidance on the path to take, but I don't have any special knowledge or experience in this area.  I do know that you are now facing an uphill battle to establish a "paternity" in the legal sense of the word.  The fact that you wish to maintain and keep such a relationship may be of little concern to the judge.  Which doesn't mean that you give up, but you should do what is right, and fight for what is best for your child.  And that means that to fight for his right to have both parents (meaning you) in his life.  Fight for what is right, but recognize the long odds against you.

What is curious is that there is a legal precedence in ordering a person like you to pay child support even though not the biological parent- for the "best interests" of the child.  Figure that one out....

 I was ordered to pay $265.00 a month even before the DNA test was ordered, and even after she claimed I wasn't the Biological Father.
I have paid it, asked for more visits then just the every other weekend ,but the mother refuses.
I just need information on how to start proceedings to hold her accountable for her blatant disregard of the truth, the law , and just plain decent human disregard!
she has scared my family beyond belief, and when people say hey he's not your kid just walk away I just don't get that he's my son! I love him DNA doesn't make the dad the 3 years we spent together bonding doesn't just go away because a DNA says he doesn't have my blood the blood didn't make our bond we did!
No wonder there are so many fatherless children out there the courts need to be held accountable for there parts in this as well!
hdrazz65

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Reply with quote  #7 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryan
One of the issues that is headed to the federal court should the Iowa Supreme Court not declare the rebuttable presumption of the child support guidelines unconstitutional is how the Court can use "best interest of the child" standard when dealing with child support when it's defined as:

Iowa Code 598.1(1) "Best interest of the child" includes, but is not limited to, the opportunity for maximum continuous physical and emotional contact possible with both parents, unless direct physical or significant emotional harm to the child may result from this contact. Refusal by one parent to provide this opportunity without just cause shall be considered harmful to the best interest of the child." 


That's all good but how does that help fathers who have been lied to about the paternity of there children?
How does that help the father, and child that have bonded, and  just gets ripped away from each other because of a immoral person taking advantage of a good father?
I'm starting to see a pattern of child support issues being brought up in these messages when its not even the issue?
Maybe I'm taking your post the wrong way. or maybe I'm seeing it just as it is I don't know, but child support has never been a issue for me I pay it.

The issues here is My right to be a father to my son.
Am I in the wrong place for this?

leglegl321

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Reply with quote  #8 

I didn't mean to misdirect the discussion into one of child support by "non-biological" parents- sorry.  However, I would certainly link the two in court proceedings- if nothing other than to tell the mother- you don't agree to visitation, then no money.  Understand that you are in a war.  You need to sit down with a cool mind and develop a strong strategy.  Understand that the odds are against you.  But you can use the CS as a stick to try to negotiate a significant role in your child's life.  If you can come to a negotiated settlement, have it drawn up and filed with the court.

If you can't come to a negotiated settlement, then understand that you will likely lose on the custody/visitation issue, but you should also likely prevail on the child support issue.  I am not advocating that you turn away from your child in the event you lose in court.  There are ways to still maintain some contact, although you have to be very careful.

The point about the CS, though, is, if you lose custody/visitation in court, do you really want to continue to pay a woman who has lied to you, then cut you off from any relationship with your child?

No, you are in the right place.  Educate yourself.  Read the case opinions in the Iowa Judicial Web site.  Become your own attorney.  Then, even if you have an attorney, you can better assist him/her.

EZ

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Reply with quote  #9 
I understand your feelings on - I love the child regardless of DNA - How else are parents able to adopt and bond with children. 
I have been step-mom to my Liz since she was 11 months old and now she is 12 - she is every bit as much mine as her dad and mom's in my heart - I feel no differently toward her than I did my twins.  If anything my feelings toward her are more protective, as we have had to fight so hard for her -  I remember telling my husband before we started our court battle, that Liz will not fall through the cracks - not on my watch - and if she did, it would be a judges fault, not that we didn't fight -
Your heart loves that child and no DNA - child Support or court order get's to change that - 
Good for you!!!!
Be true to your heart - fight with all you have-
 
on a practical note - find a good counselor - for you and your son - play therapy is GREAT for kids
 
We found it very helpful to show that we were concerned for Liz and that she needed a neutral person not mom, not dad, that she could share with.
 
Mom was VERY reluctant, but we set it up, paid for it, and arranged for the counselor to see Liz during school, so we didn't have to worry about mom not taking her. It helps show - best interest of the child.
 
Use email - we do 90% of our correspondence with mom by email.  Even now that we have custody.  During our trial, we turned in around 20 pages of emails showing - dad is trying and working on everything for Liz - mom isn't.
Have someone pre read them for you before you hit send just to make sure it comes across right.  there were many times we would write and rewrite an email before sending it to make sure dad didn't sound to pushy.
We found it to be a great tool for us.
 
I do think about what I would do if something every happened to dad and I was a widow - I would have to fight mom in court for custody.  It's a scarey thought I hope I never have to face, but I do still keep track of everything just in case it would ever happen -
 
Do all that you can - so you know in your mind, there was nothing else you could have done.  That was important for us - so if we had lost - we knew there were no "if only's".
 
Still praying for you!
Brenda
hdrazz65

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Reply with quote  #10 
First I want to start off by apologizing and saying I'm sorry.
I have let all the built up emotions of hurt,helplessness, and anger out on people trying to help, and that really wasn't my intent I hope you will forgive me.
I need to come to terms with the fact that this woman is going to get away with what she has done to my son and I, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I'm not sure if it's just Iowa or not but I guess I don't understand why a Police dog gets more consideration than a child? You harm a police dog you go to jail you harm a child in Iowa it's OK if your the mom.
Don't get me wrong there are a lot of good moms out there I have had the best standing by my son's and my side through out this whole ordeal.
The mothers that lie,and hurts there children emotionally and physically and scar people are allowed to keep on doing so while our courts set back and do nothing.
I guess it's easier for them to just go on to the next case being it's not there child there dealing with.
If anyone can tell me how to look up case law, or information on holding her accountable for putting me on the birth certificate knowing I wasn't the father please let me know I go to court in October and If I can do anything to make her accountable I at least need to try.

EZ

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Reply with quote  #11 
This is a good place to share - those who are here, have generally been somewhere near where you are - although every situation is unique and your certainly fits that criteria.
Don't apologize for being emotional about what you are going through.  One of the toughest things it trying to balance the emotion with the " we need only the facts" that is necessary for court.  I helps to know that others have gone before you.
 
follow your heart!
BBW

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Reply with quote  #12 
It is great to see more and more new people finding this site and becoming aware of their rights and doing something about it. It is certainly a low spot in life when you get here but with persistence it leads to a much brighter outcome. I hope that the donations to this site continue to be like they are, so this organization can continue it's march forward with its plans. CSRU and the courts are going to be facing a reality check.

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mwines

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Reply with quote  #13 

I am not divorced and hope not to be. But my wife left two weeks ago with her 11 year old daughter and our 4 year old son. She sent me a short email two or three days later, but it didn't say too much or say where they were. I have tried to call and have emailed a few times without any reponse. I don't know what she is doing. I want to see my son. I was told by my mother that she called and said that she is in Minneapolis. Is there any thing that I can do to secure my relationship with him if she continues to withhold him and not talk?

Adam

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Reply with quote  #14 
Call the cops... kidnapping and child endangerment.  She must not be in her right mind to pull her kids away from there father out of the clear blue sky, and do nothing to inform him of their well being.

Don't let her off easy.

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